35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (October 12, 2024)

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  • 01
    Cat Elgarrista @cat_elg skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that's the toddler injury 2:35 PM 10/6/24 2.2M Views 174 17 8.7K 143K ☐ 1.7K 企
  • 02
    mike (discount dracula) @PhilipJFried Who called it Spirit Halloween and not Bloodbath and Beyond? 5:31 PM 10/4/24 181K Views • 48 17872 6.2K ☐ 135
  • 03
    miki minach @poshsplice The most beautiful women you know eat like raccoons Pop Base @PopBase - 1d Dua Lipa shares new drink recipe combining Diet Coke, pickle juice and jalapeño sauce. ✓ 6:58 PM 10/5/24 3.5M Views *
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    Kevin Clark @bykevinclark Very few universal truths in this world but here's one: You do NOT want to be released to sober wife. Texas A&M Police @TAMUPolice. 1d Responded to an intoxicated subject. Section 232. Released to sober wife. Ejected. #BTHOmissouri 2:58 PM 10/5/24 2.5M Views 80 1.4K 28K 668 企
  • 05
    Outlander Magazine ❤ @StreetFashion01 McDonald's really dropped the hardest cap of all time in 1982 McDonald's mertc 11:48 AM 10/6/24 1.9M Views
  • 06
    Paul Watson @paul_c_watson Man sits by me on train. MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here ME: Really? MAN: Loads mate ME: How'd you know? MAN: There's signs aren't there? ME: I guess? MAN: I love them (47 minutes of awkward silence.) Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying 'cycle paths'. 4:19 PM 10/4/24.5.1M Views 1.7K 120K 244K 8.1K 企
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    Hub @KenHeLive Nosebleed seats in the crib is crazy. Heismans @HeismansIG. 1d RYAN WILLIAMS IS INSANE
  • 08
    @soidoona hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line 2:03 AM 10/7/24 4.4M Views . 360 1 44K 261K ☐ 7.5K ↑
  • 09
    IDA MAYA ANNIE L Tres Tiffany @trestiffany11 This is exactly the outfit you wear when making Capri Suns from scratch 182.7K 3,079 4,742 they asked me for a Capri Sun. 13.7K Nara Smith
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    faith!? @soggystyrofoam what do you mean "confirms❞ AV The A.V. Club @TheAVClub • 20h Al Pacino confirms "there's nothing there" after we die "You're gone" dlvr.it/TF3fDw OSCARS • 6:27 PM 10/6/24 7.9M Views 713 17 19K 385K ☐ 7.6K 企
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    Solar Flair @SolarFlairYT People always make this joke but I think a crumbl brownie sundae with the panera charged lemonade would actually GENUINELY kill a victorian age child Dexerto @Dexerto 6d Crumbl Cookies released a 1130 calorie 'Brownie Sundae' crumbl 12:47 AM 10/5/24 6.1M Views 321 12K Nutrition Serving size 125g Calories Per Dessert 1130 % DV* Total Fat 70g 85% Saturated Fat 40g 196% Trans Fat Og Cholesterol 220mg 71% Sodium Total Carb. 640mg 28% 140g 51% Dietary Fiber 5g 25% Total Suga
  • 12
    Eric @proptologydept What if the gambler's hotline is just a guy in a room giving out 100% winners and that's the help they're talking about 9:04 AM 10/6/24 952K Views 54 1.9K 30K 880 企
  • 13
    sam henri gold @samhenrigold google ai LOVES to step in when it sees "vs" and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it 5:24 Qbreville smart oven air fryer All Videos Shopping Short videos Images Search Labs | Al Overview BOX The Breville Smart Oven Air Fryer is a countertop oven that can air fry, toast, bake, and more, while the Ottoman Empire was a vast territory that controlled Constantinople and was a center of culture, art, and science: Features Breville Smart Ottoman Empire
  • 14
    AFRICAN & BLACK HISTORY @AfricanArchives Lonnie Johnson, NASA engineer, invented the Super Soaker. He made your childhood hot summers fun. He turns 75 today. Happy Birthday! @AfricanArchives
  • 15
    ali golub @alibrooke4ever Have I got bad news for you. What We Todd in the Shadows @Shadow.... 1d I think it's accepted wisdom that two of our most daring, unconventional actors are Robert Pattinson and Daniel Radcliffe. They should make a movie together, imagine how crazy that would be 11:19 AM 10/6/24 279K Views . 14 1517 14K ☐ 170 企
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    rust belt roadtrip @gmoult no art deco building has ever gone harder NIAGARA MOHAWK POWER • 12:21 PM 10/5/24 475K Views • 161 11.5K MOHAWK POWER 19K ☐ 2.1K
  • 17
    kourtney @kourtneyinhell been telling my kids to STOP tackling each other on the couch for a hour but they won't listen. Finally put my head in my hands out of exasperation, 5yo puts a hand on my shoulder, softly says "mommy it's ok. being a mom is hard" then turns and immediately body slams 3yo • 6:48 PM 10/4/24 6.4M Views 561 18K 363K 13K
  • 18
    Jay @cagiago Mf that's Erling Haaland fan @Utd Floyd. 1d Rate my Scarlett Johannason drawing out of 10 6:21 AM 10/5/24 17M Views Caulett BROWN FRIDE
  • 19
    paige finn doherty ❤ @paigefinnn best card writing advice I ever read thesnicketfile Open in tumblr. Lemony Snicket's Advice on Writing a Nice Thank-You Note 1. Do not start with the thank you. 2. Start with any other sentence. If you first say, "Thank you for the nice sweater," you can't imagine what to write next. Say, "It was so wonderful to come home from school to find this nice sweater. Thank you for thinking of me on Arbor Day." 3. Then you're done. I recommend learning how to write a ver
  • 20
    Nic Cruz Patane @niccruzpatane SpaceX is trolling with these structural weights for testing NNN CEX
  • 21
    Kamala @KammyTaughtYou "And they used to put the lyrics to all the songs right inside the CD booklet." 5:34 PM 10/6/24 2.1M Views 217 123K 143K ☐ 2.1K ↑
  • 22
    Darius Clucker @Darius_Clucker I went from playing rec league basketball, setting up in the corner and banging 3s to going to dive bars, setting up in the corner, and banging 3s. 9:19 PM 10/6/24 937K Views 52 17 638 17K 885 企
  • 23
    ryan ✔ @scubaryan_ them hot wings would be ICE COLD by the time Kanye is half way through the first question oneway @lacedtop.2d we need this to happen immediately Stake TACO Stake VISES 12:11 PM 10/5/24 6.5M Views 159 1 11K 257K 3.1K 企
  • 24
    Evan @EvanPerc_ I'm putting together a team Own in Country Tampa national rt (TPA) 410 East Lak 143 Tampa 618 Timpi 41 676 Progr 10:27 PM 10/6/24 3M Views 280 19.1K LOOP 202 Tempe TOMPO 174K ☐ 4.9K ↑
  • 25
    taylor garron @taylorgarron if you have a baby, you are legally required to dress them as moo deng for halloween this year. you have two babies? two moo dengs 2:42 AM 10/7/24 415K Views 54 843 17K 257 企
  • 26
    Stacey @skittle624 I made my kids watch Airplane and they didn't think it was funny and I just don't know where to go from here. 8:05 AM 10/6/24 2.3M Views 9K 1.7K 52K 571 ↑
  • 27
    火 + ANGEL @softcatgf rubbing my face on him like a cat so he knows i like him 5:43 PM 10/6/24 942K Views 61 18.2K 48K 3K ↑
  • 28
    Joyce The Rambunctious Young Lad @Etrouse T O Teams Outlook trash jones @jzux. 2d today is national enemy day everyone post your nemesis • 10:50 AM 10/7/24 - 8.8M Views 247 1 49K 237K ☐ 3.7K ↑
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    SLATER @SmokeRuntz imagine being a Shark in that water lol. Theyre probably like ahhhhhhhh lol Colin McCarthy @US_Stormwatch. 8h Hurricane Milton is now a 175 MPH Category 5 storm and tied as the 4th strongest Atlantic hurricane in history. 0:03 • 7:09 PM 10/7/24 2M Views 102 1 3.2K 58K 1.2K ↑
  • 30
    Chris @bamfartgera Hey we'd love to have you work for us but first we're gonna need a little pee 1:08 AM 10/3/24 1M Views 58 172.5K 47K 856 ↑
  • 31
    Drac Bloodryk @BudrykZack When you realize you're on the spectrum during your kid's diagnostic process that's nepautism 5:47 PM 10/6/24 2.3M Views • 61 5.3K 90K ☐ 3.4K 企
  • 32
    count dykecula @gothesbian cute first date idea for under $50 Al Overview +4 The fee for a marriage license in New Jersey is $28. You can pay with cash, money order, or check. ⟫ . 5:24 PM 10/7/24 1.5M Views 91 15.2K 69K 2.6K 企
  • 33
    Turdis L'Szechuan @CurtisRemarc For those outside the snoopy community jamie loftus @jamieloftusHELP for those outside the snoopy community, snoopyweekly recently made an aggressive fascistic push. dailysnoopys is the way to go @gir1genius 13h SNOOPYWEEKLY 02:10 10/7/24 .93K Views 11:08 AM 10/7/24 1M Views 82 t 2.1K 44K 1.5K ↑
  • 34
    tub @3laichi Oh fatima... I hope in our next lives we can be reunited. Not as my Walmart chat representative, but as a kindred spirit who sees me for who I am * Chat with Walmart × I will be honest with you, you have been the most calm and understanding customer I have dealt with today. You have a beautiful heart. I hope all customers are like you. If there is anything else I can assist you with, I'll be more than happy to help you 10:15 PM 11:17 PM 10/6/24 4.7M Views 298 1 16K I love you thank
  • 35
    Work Retire Die @WorkRetireDie me after hearing the new hire was born in 2003 8:13 PM 10/7/24 1.3M Views • 43 17 3.5K 55K 1.1K 企
  • 36
    Frizk MFF SOON @FrizkFur I am NOT dying to a hurricane named "MILTON" bro AAO 7:47 PM 10/6/24 · 12M Views • 504 17 9.2K 177K ☐ 4.2K ↑

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